Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Just Need to unload.....

Grandfalls Texas has beautiful sunsets.  It also has stickers, tumbleweeds, cactus and rattlesnakes!  The majority of this town has been unwelcoming and unfriendly.  I have tried very hard to keep a very positive and uplifted attitude at all times since Kevin and I moved here so many years ago. 

A few good things have happened, I was approved for disability.  Kevin recently was approved for disability.  I got to meet most of Kevins immediate family.  His Uncle Tex is a wonderful man who is one of the most honest and dedicated Christians I have ever met.  He has given us both a lot of support and guidance in our paths to becoming better Christians.  His oldest sister Linda is a fun and vull of life person, who I hope to get to know even better as time progresses.  One of his other sisters Pam, is a fabulous giving person.  Her and I hope someday to be able to actually work on our quilting together.  But, they both live many miles away and we only get to see them occassionally.  His brother Keith, we have got to spend only a few days together a couple times.  I hope to get to know him and his family better also.  We have met a couple of really decent and good people here.  I will not mention names.  But, they have all helped to make this place at least acceptable and worth trying to make life meaning and worth something while living here.

But this place has also brought a ton of hardships.  Like Kevins heart attack, finding out he has an artery disease, his back continues to worsen, and recently we discovered he also has diabetes.  The sad thing about all of his medical conditions......Doctors will not do anything besides just the absolute basics, because he does not have insurance.  So, in my minds reality, I sit and watch him deteriate day in and day out.  It has really gotten to the point that I do not have the will to continue to smile and even pretend to be happy.  I pray and pray and silently cry.  I just can not find the strength to continue pretending that everything is alright.

I love this man with all of my heart and soul.  There are two things that keep me from falling apart.  The fact that he was approved for disability and he will only have to wait a couple more months before his insurance Medicare/Medicaid will kick in and he can seek out and find a good Doctor that will care about him, if only because the doctor knows he will be paid.  So hopefully, Kevin will find out some real answers and some real advice and be directed to Doctors who can help treat him.  Which leads to the other reason, we will be moving back to Oregon as soon as possible.  Both of his daughters live in Oregon and my parents, daughter and brother all live there also.  We are hoping to live in Southern Oregon in a smaller town.  But having lived there for many years prior to this town, I know that there are great doctors who do care and are actually from the United States and not some foreign country that you can not even understand them. 

Forgive me, I really try not to be prejudiced.  But, every experience we have had with doctors who are from foreign countries (yes, they are here legally and so forth), but they have all been terrible to us.  So, yes, I just want Kevin to be seen by a Doctor that was born here. 

To be back among family that get together for weekends, just because, and for holidays.  To laugh and love among them.  My heart just screams for the time to come quickly.  God has got to help me make it the next few months.  To be able to take Dodger for walks and not have to walk over broken beer bottles and trash just thrown out wherever.  To be able to plant flowers and have wonderful beautiful parks and streets to patiently walk through and breath in all of the aromas and beauty.  To be able to drive in pretty much any direction and not just see dirt, tumbleweeds and cactus.  I do not mean to say that Texas is not pretty in its own ways.  It is just not what I call beauty.  So, please forgive me if I am hurting anyones feelings from this part of Texas....I know the majority of you would not live any where else. 

I realize I have carried on and really not said much, but I just needed to release some pent up feelings.  Even my absolute love of quilting is nothing to me at this time, I know now that I have let this place just slowly eat away at my willingness for vitality of life and the pleasures that it holds.  That is no ones fault, just my inability to continually pretend to be happy here.  Plus, many things have happened concerning Kevins mother and one of his sisters (not mentioned before) that yanked all of my hope and desires for making this place a home while we continue to live here.  Please pray for Kevin and I that we can move back to Oregon very quickly.  I really do not know how much more I can endure to continue to even get out of bed in the mornings.  Alert...no there are no thoughts of suicide or anything of the sort.  I love Kevin and know once we get back into an area that has life and happiness, beauty and dreams.....I will find my passions and desires once again.

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